The Mishcon Academy Digital Sessions. Conversations on the legal topics affecting businesses and individuals today.
Joanna Lawson, People Advisory Manager
Mishcon de Reya
Welcome everyone and thank you for joining this Mishcon Academy session, part of a series of online events, videos and podcasts looking at the biggest events, issues, faced by businesses and individuals today. I’m Jo Lawson and I’ll be hosting today’s event. Now, it’s my privilege to welcome our wonderful guests, Emily and her dog, Raymond. So, we’re going to come on to talk about the chapter in your life where you tragically lost your sister, Rachael, and your mum and your dad in an unimaginably painful quick succession. Before we get onto that and talk about how Ray came into your life, I thought it would be really good to start by talking about the first few chapters in your childhood and your upbringing so can you tell us a bit about that because I think, I think it’s fair to say that it wasn’t kind of a classic childhood.
Emily Dean
No. I grew up with weirdos, I mean they were lovely weirdos, they were my weirdos but they were artsy, bohemian weirdos and I would see other families and they had, for some reason Labradors just represented, I suppose constancy and normality and a dad that came home when all the other children would say, “god, we’re really jealous of you,” you know, “you can stay up all night” and we didn’t have breakfast, like I remember I’d got to kids’ houses and I’d say, “why have you got bowls out?” and they were like “oh this is, do you not have breakfast?” and I said, “oh no, we just have the dinner party leftovers.” We were more sort of roving players in a circus troupe really that we’d say, oh we’re going to this town next, we’re going here and I just think a dog, partly wouldn’t have been practical but I also think what dogs represented wouldn’t have worked in my family setup.
Joanna Lawson, People Advisory Manager
Mishcon de Reya
And I guess because of that lack of structure meant that you and you sister, Rachael, were incredibly close when you were growing up.
Emily Dean
She, my sister and I, I suppose it’s, when you’re in an unpredictable environment like that, you bond, don’t you. It’s kind of like being in a sort of semi war zone in some ways and that you just never know, you’re on high alert all the time thinking what’s going to happen next and she and I, we had this shared bond and this shared language and this shared history that we just, we just knew what the other was thinking all the time, you wouldn’t have to say anything, you would just be like yeah, she knows, she gets it. There’d just be a little look.
Joanna Lawson, People Advisory Manager
Mishcon de Reya
And then in December 2011, everything changed and she got a shock diagnosis.
Emily Dean
Yeah, she’d got, well she basically got this, she said to me, I always remember you know, she said, “I feel a bit fluey” and she’d not long had a baby, she had her daughter, Mimi and then her daughter, Alberta was, would have been only I guess ten months old at that point, so I think like a lot of people who’ve experienced you know pregnancy, she felt well, this must of course you know, I’m tired. So I remember being in the Top Shop changing room and she said “oh, I can’t shift this baby weight” and I was sort of saying, “oh you should come to this trainer” and you know and then of course it wasn’t baby weight because it was the swelling from the tumours, it turned out she suddenly got diagnosed. She kept feeling worse and worse and then she got diagnosed with cancer and it was Stage 4 and you know, as I’m sure everyone will be aware, there is no Stage 5 so we knew it was bad. The first thing she said was “but I can’t,” it was like that practical thing and she said, “but I’ve got a baby,” it was like it wasn’t computing and I said, “how long have we got” you know, and then I stopped because I thought that A, that’s not my right, that’s her decision whether she wants to know that and B, she’s got a partner, who I was overlooking and my sister, and I said, “I’m really sorry” and my sister said, “no, I want to know. I want to know” and the woman, the consultant said “it’ll be three months if you’re lucky” and then it was three weeks, she actually died three weeks later, which was so tough.
Joanna Lawson, People Advisory Manager
Mishcon de Reya
Yeah, there’s no time to process anything.
Emily Dean
No, it was very difficult and it was just that, it was a really tough process and I promise it will start getting happy soon. And then not long afterwards, my mum…
Joanna Lawson, People Advisory Manager
Mishcon de Reya
Within two years.
Emily Dean
Yeah, within two years, my both my mum and my dad died. My mum got diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease and she died not long afterwards and then my dad just collapsed and had a stroke so, that was really difficult, that was like three years to lose your whole family. I kept saying it was like some sort of ending to Game of Thrones or something, where they’d all just put in one episode and someone had said, “you can’t do that, you can’t kill them all off” but that’s how it felt, it felt surreal. But yeah, so it’s been tough but it’s, it’s been kind of, it’s brought dogs into my life, which was the other thing. Because my sister had got this dog, Giggle, Mr Giggle they’d call him.
Joanna Lawson, People Advisory Manager
Mishcon de Reya
Is it the practical element, having a dog, that meant you had some routine?
Emily Dean
Yeah. Suddenly having that routine, Jo. Suddenly feeling I could see how he sort of became a link between her and the, between then and now, in a sense. There was also that sense of dogs, as again anyone who has one will know, they live in the eternal present so, for me, what it, how I sort of recovered I suppose, although you don’t really ever recovery because I always say with any kind of loss and with any kind of trauma, a traumatic experience which I suppose it was, just having multiple losses like that.
Joanna Lawson, People Advisory Manager
Mishcon de Reya
Yeah, huge trauma.
Emily Dean
It’s about filling your life with different memories as well. It’s, vulnerability has been the big thing that I’ve learned.
Joanna Lawson, People Advisory Manager
Mishcon de Reya
Accepting your flaws and…
Emily Dean
Accepting your flaws and accepting I did this thing called the Hoffman Process which is incredible. It’s sort of this seven day thing where essentially, you learn to sort of come to terms with your family experience and who you are. I sort of made commitments to myself as well and I wrote to myself. I said I’m going to write a book, not just talk about writing a book and watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but actually write it. And I’m going to get a dog because I think what a dog represented to me, I’d never felt I was good enough to look after anyone or anything and I’m useless, I’m chaotic, it will die and, but he’s still with us and I decided to get this little boy, Raymond, who is, honestly, every time, I had it the other day, I was feeling a bit sad and I woke up and he was on the bed, no judgement, and he was just, I just started laughing, he was being so hilarious sort of jumping and leaping about. It’s such unconditional love that I have with him and it’s been, it’s been so lovely just feeling… look at him. How can you not love him?
Audience Member
Having read the book, I think I mentioned it to you before, it’s one of the books you just can’t put down and you keep, keep reading it but what really comes across is, I’ll take it away from dogs, which won’t be popular with the audience, is your friends and how important your friends were. Can you talk a bit about how supportive all your friends were, especially during that three year period.
Emily Dean
I sort of didn’t know how dependent on them and how valuable they would be to me, you know, it’s just that sense of people doing incredible things, just the kindness, you know, and so always great as well when people don’t say “how are you?” because how you feels, when you’ve just experienced something like that, feels overwhelming. I can’t answer that and I sort of feel I have to make it okay for you by saying “fine.”
Joanna Lawson, People Advisory Manager
Mishcon de Reya
Well Emily, thank you so much for coming in and sharing your story and introducing everyone to the wonderful Ray and it’s just been brilliant to have you here.
Emily Dean
Oh Jo, well I’ve loved being here and, I say I’ve loved being here, I’m not leaving, I’m obsessed by Mishcon de Reya. Frankly, it’s very us, Ray. I think we’re here for good.
Joanna Lawson, People Advisory Manager
Mishcon de Reya
There are some books around that Emily’s, I presume happy to sign? I’m putting words in your mouth now.
Emily Dean
Yeah. Ray might even do a paw print.
Joanna Lawson, People Advisory Manager
Mishcon de Reya
Perfect. Perfect. So, if anyone wants to stay behind and have their book signed then please do but thank you, Emily.
Emily Dean
Thank you so much for coming. Thank you. Thank you, Jo.
The Mishcon Academy Digital Sessions. To access advice for businesses that is regularly updated, please visit Mishcon.com.